Unexpected truth

If you know me, or have known me long, you probably know that I am not a fan of surprises... unless it's a concert, game or maybe a great bottle of wine. Recently, I have been challenged... with many emotions that I have never felt before. There is more going on behind the scenes than most people are aware of, and I'm okay with that. Not everyone needs to know everything. But no matter what the details of the past few days were, something unexpected happened.

You know, I have friends, have had friends, and each story is different. Amazing, sometimes crazy, but overwhelmingly unique. All individual, and great in their own right. But God did something, and He surprised me a few days back. He placed someone in my life at exactly the right time. And I thank Him for that.

Compassionate, positive, real, and genuine. Words that are hard to come by most days, and rarely all in one person... as sad as that is to say. Genuine sincerity, a gracious heart. Restores faith in humanity.

I know I overthink things... and I'm reminded of that often when I try to analyze why things happen. Sometimes, we are better being left in the dark on that one. We will find out one day, and it probably won't be for the reason we originally believed.

Everyone needs to experience a true friend. What defines a true friend for you? Here are my thoughts on what a true friend is someone who:

• Will be there for you, as much as they can; 
• Who respects your boundaries, but stands their ground;
• Can make you laugh until your eyelids overlap, but at the same time can be a shoulder on your darkest days;
• Who challenges rather than criticizes;
• Who does what others aren't expecting;
• Who joins our journey instead of judging your decisions.
• Who prays for you. 

How many true friends do you have? Like really true... those who are invaluable, irreplaceable, and will always be a part of your life? They are my unexpected truths that God has dropped in my life. And I thank Him for each of them...often. I thank Him especially for this one. 

Dreamers

My definition by today's guidelines is different, in that when I think of the word "dreamers," I think of those who are ambitious enough to think outside the box. My mother's words resonate within me... "It costs nothing to dream."

I love how that sentence applies to me. I love that the truth in that statement is so bold. It really doesn't cost a penny to dream. In fact, the most iconic businesses in play right now started with a dream. This vision of something that no one was willing to take a risk on. Thoughts jumped outside the box of normalcy into this creative realm of thinking.

I used to save clippings, photos, or notes of things I wanted to do, travel to, accomplish, or own. I still jot down words to think of later or places I want to visit before I die.

Dreaming is good.

Don't ever trust anyone who crushes them. Those people shouldn't be allowed to even witness your creative, trusting, imaginative, and loving soul.

This has been hard for me, bucking up to the fact that I want to please people too much. I think I just want people to challenge me just enough that it inspires me, but doesn't cross the line.

A Significant Handprint

Pinellafie and I at her retirement celebration in July 2018.
34 years later.

The older I get, the more important each memory becomes. This one left a mark.

Pinellafie (Gilford) Johnson

When I was in 8th grade, at a small 1A school in Texas, where everyone went to school, from Kindergarten all the way through high school, I was looking for direction. I was looking for something to peak my interests. I was looking to better myself in some way that would help me make it through this thing called school. I was more of an outsider since I was a transplant from Houston. I wasn't related to everyone in town. I didn't attend the same church as the majority. I liked learning but didn't like the initial environment that I was thrown into back at the beginning of 5th grade. 

Before 7th grade, I made some memories, but nothing like what happened in 8th grade. It was the beginning of so many things for me.

8th Grade Basketball: Kim, Jennifer, Laura, Kathy, Me, Wanda, Stephanie, Marcy & Coach

Coach Gilford, PG as she was nicknamed, was hired as a new coach. She was young, fresh out of college, and had big plans for each of her teams. Being a small school, she was employed to coach all female sports, and educate all students about health.

The gym was something of a historical building in the small town. It was constructed of wood. There was not an air conditioning system installed. We had industrial fans (on the floor) and loud heaters in the winter. It was a less than desired venue, but I grew up in a time that we rarely complained, and we were not led to feel entitled... about anything. I learned to love it. The fans were right in your face and the games were always crowded.

Enter PG and her whistle.

Bleachers, Football Drills and Fingertip Pushups (upside down on the wall) are the most prominent.

You have never run bleachers unless you have trekked up and down bleachers made of solid wood, with no give in them, and no forgiveness if you just missed that step by a hair. Your shins would remember them. Mine did. 

Fingertip pushups? Yep. Looking back, I don't see how I didn't fall and break my neck. Those were very hard. But again, the results are proof that they worked.

Besides all of that running and training – and yes, I ran and drank water, and ran, and drank water... to stay hydrated, and lost it all after running – and the miles I ran for track, I somehow sensed that whatever she was doing, was for the betterment of me. Though, to be honest, I didn't like the way she chose to drill me, coach me, push me and challenge me. But I am so thankful that she did.

There are many memories of Coach. From singing Brooks and Dunn in our van on the way to volleyball tournaments to eating at McDonald's after a game because we thought it was healthy. Track meets where I didn't do my best. 

And for those of you who know me... who really know me... can't possibly imagine that I had some sort of an attitude while I was participating in my athletic endeavors, right? At least I improved over the 5 years with Coach. I'll take it.

I was a mess. I was a good kid, but I was impatient. I pouted when something didn't go my way, and Coach always reminded me that I would step on my lip if I didn't suck it up and get over it. 

I was one of the few that wasn't her "friend." I was on a mission. There wasn't any room for "friendship" in my coach/player relationship. I think it was just as important to her to feel success in the players she coached. (At least I felt that way when I coached, briefly.) ---side note--- I was looking through my Class of 89 book the other day, and I have found this: "My Most Unforgettable Moment: Mrs. Gilford's face when I told her I received the scholarship."  I wanted to learn and absorb everything I could to be better, grow stronger, reach higher goals. But, I did respect her. Did I agree with everything she said? No. Did I do it? 99.9% of the time. I had this innate quality of wanting to make not only my parents proud of me, but make her proud of me as well. I didn't like it when I disappointed her. (I am still like that in some ways.) That was important to me.

I took everything literal. One district basketball game, I let someone slip past me on the full court press, and they scored. There was a timeout called. And I was told, "do not let anyone past you and stand your ground." I did just that. I went back out. They tried the same play. The girl ran smack into me and fell to the ground. I was left standing. Then the referee blew the whistle and called a foul on me. Evidently, I should have thrown myself back on the ground and took the charge, but I was told to stand my ground, so I did. Coach probably doesn't remember that, or a number of other seemingly insignificant events that happened over the span of 5 years.

Every year, Coach challenged me. She challenged me and forever changed me. She taught me about expectations, and how not to put all your faith in one thing, one game, one shot, or one year. I've written some about how her faith in our Lord trickled down. We prayed the Lord's prayer before EVERY game (wasn't an issue back then) and Coach even invited us to go to church with her as a team. I am not aware of the impact she had on the others, but I can confirm the impact on me. 

The most important being my senior year in high school in the middle of our district basketball season. I can remember the day clearly. We had a game that night against the team favored winning the district. I was in English class when I received a message to go to the front office. My dad was on the other end of the phone. My mom's mother had suffered a brain aneurysm and was in a coma at a hospital in Houston. Needless to say, I was a little anxious about the news I just heard. I ran down the hall and slid down the wall in an entrance to one of the classrooms that was empty. My Spanish teacher, Ms. Colunga, came and walked me back to the office, where she prayed with me, and then she walked me down to the gym because that's where I said I wanted to be. Coach let me come in. She didn't know the whole story, but she knew it upset me. So, she did what she was really good at... she took my mind off the anxiety, and tossed me a basketball and asked me to shoot 100 free throws. While I was doing that, she spoke to my father on the phone and was told about what had happened to my grandmother. She came back out there and hugged me. You know, I don't remember being uber emotional when I was younger, but I can't be sure. She said to just pray about it, and God would get me through. Again, turning my focus off of the actual event. I finished my free throws and went to her office. We ended up winning that game. :) 

"Awesome 8" Bi-District 54-A Champions
Coach, D Freeman, L Evans (me), V Foy
S Tomkivits, N Yargo, K Carrell, K Hieden, M Molitor

That day changed my view of Coach. She was compassionate, helpful, respectful of my situation, and she was calm. Calm in the storm of that day.

I use the term handprints because she was one of the ones that shaped my attitude, corraled my potential, and pushed me to be the best version of myself at that time in my life. 

It took 5 years of blood, sweat, and tears, patellar tendonitis, coming down from a rebound and knocking an opposing players teeth out, driving another player into the mat behind the goal and breaking her arm, running horses, drinking a lot of water, laughing, and living to make it to graduation. I will always be a member of the Awesome 8.

After my high school career, she traveled with me to tryouts at UMHB for basketball. I had already tried out for volleyball there. After I signed a letter of intent to UMHB, ACU called me in for a tryout for basketball. I flew up there, met Coach McCoy, tried out, and ended up trying out for the volleyball team as well. I eventually committed to ACU, and that's where I went on to play volleyball for 4 years and played basketball my freshman year. PG drove up there and came to one of my volleyball games. She has no idea how much that means to me. I mean, it was 5 hours away, not just down the road. And, she hit a deer on the way home. That was dedication. I love her.

I left high school with the tools I needed to succeed. And I owe a lot of that to PG. I left as an all-state basketball player and was honored in 2009 to be inducted into the ACU Sports Hall of Fame for volleyball. 

Talk about teaching a man to fish. She made a significant handprint on my heart, and I am blessed to have had her as a coach.

Sometimes you are just better by
having people like this in your life.
I am blessed.

Philippians 1:3

Words I Thought I'd Never Say

When I was six years old, living in Cypress on a one-acre plot with plenty of trees and land around our house, I made the mistake that I will never forget. Mom and I had just went to the store. I was intrigued with mechanical pencils and writing instruments. (Guess I got that characteristic from my dad...) We pulled up in the driveway in the back and were beginning to unload the car. At that moment, the unthinkable happened... my new pencil fell in between the back seat cushion and the seat. Back then, the cars were made a little better, and not everything was one piece.

As I was digging in the seat, frantically, trying to recover my newest addition to the collection of office supplies, these words came out of my mouth, "G-- D-----!" (I don't even like typing it.)

6 years old, mind you... oh, goodness... the events that happened next pretty much changed my path in life. Mom, with her keen sense of hearing then, didn't waste a minute. She flipped open the door, yanked me out, drug me inside the house, directly into the bathroom, and shoved a small bar of soap in my mouth, all while lecturing me and reprimanding me for saying God's name in vain, and cursing. I didn't even have a chance to argue, with lack of being able to breath around the bar of soap. She asked my why I would say that... Again, I couldn't answer clearly. She was angry. She was disappointed. And I felt every bit of it.

After the few minutes (which seemed like 6 hours) of holding my mouth closed with soap in my mouth, and listening to my mother tell me how disappointed not only she was in me, but God was as well, I was broken down. I cried. I apologized. And... I said I'd never do that again.

Mom was definitely the disciplinarian. Dad, well, Dad was Dad. There was discipline with Dad, but not as much as Mom. Mom was full of discernment. She knew right from wrong, and was trying her best to pass that on to me. As reluctant as I was at times, I knew, for a fact, that if I wanted to live my life and be happy, I was to love God, go to church, and never, ever, say those words.  41 years and I still remember.

––––––––

Character is built over time. What you do in life can make you or break you. Choose who you surround yourself with carefully. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer. There are always people watching and learning from you.

Raised Right

I don't think I have ever questioned my upbringing, but I sure have questioned others... Which I have learned through experience, is a bit judgmental. Just because your parents raised you right, with good morals, a solid foundation for your life, good judgement, and godly principles does not mean you will keep those sacred your entire life.

We possess independence which allows us to think for ourselves, using our free will from God (not necessarily God's will) to make life decisions. Believe me, I have experienced the use of my free will, and it usually didn't end up well.

This goes deeper. What kind of person are you? Deep down? Do you care for others or are you selfish? Does money rule your world or does love? Do your friends and family know who you are or do they get to see the persona that you wish for them to see?

What if, one day, every one of us could see the "real" you? Would you be happy about that? Or do you cringe at the thought of someone knowing your true motives?

God is not fooled by our selfishness and is

“a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart”

(Hebrews 4:12)

"All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord"

(Proverbs 16:2)

In the end, we will all be judged. We will all come before the Lord and answer for our transgressions. Let that sink in. Every single thing we do, say, think, act upon, that is displeasing to the Lord, will be questioned.

There is so much more to this life than money, wealth, power, control, and winning... Yes, I said winning... Being a former collegiate athlete, I'll admit a lot of that part of my life was about winning... Winning on the court, winning in school, winning the approval of my professors, etc... But I can tell you one thing for sure is that not once in my life have I ever thought my life was about how much money I make... maybe about how much I could help, or give to those in need... but never about me. Many people I know think completely the opposite. They are money-driven. I am results-driven. I want those I work with, laugh with, are friends with, volunteer with (for the most part) to be happy and fulfilled. And no matter who tells me how to act, what to believe, etc., I will do what is deep down in my soul to do.

I need to find that happy medium... where I'm not being taken advantage of, but also, where I am taking care of myself. But I'm not a medium kind of gal. ;)

––––––––––––––––––––

make the choice to be the bigger person.
do what is right.
don't be selfish.
God knows your heart.

NFL and the Anthem

I'm sure many of you have been flooded with images of NFL players kneeling during the national anthem as their protest. You would have to live under a rock not to be subjected to the media's overwhelming obsession with it. Both liberal and conservative views. I've read many articles, watched videos, TV, and heard discussions on the radio as well. Yes, I'm about to the point of being tired of it as well.

A few things I would like to share about my feelings, some may agree, some won't, and I'm okay with that. Just realize these are my feelings on what I have been exposed to and how I have lived.

Some people see me as being privileged, as in "white" privilege, without me knowing. (I am made up of many ethnicities, predominantly lighter skinned – Britain, Ireland, Scotland, and Native American) My thoughts take me back to my childhood. I was born in Houston, in a predominantly "white" community. By the time I was in 4th grade, I had two "black" teachers and share classes with one "black" student. Did I even recognize the effect of race at that moment? I don't recall any if I did. Affluent or not, no matter the color of skin, we were all classmates. The next year, I was moved north of Houston, to a smaller, country community with a much more diverse population. What some would describe as a culture shock. In 5th grade, I was now surrounded with approximately 66% "black" population, in turn, becoming the minority. At first, I didn't think anything of it... why should I? It was never an issue before. Why would it be now? I may have been uncomfortable... BEFORE I knew people. But that included everyone. I was the only one my age, who went to the church of Christ. And surrounded by a bunch of Baptists and Catholics with a few Lutherans sprinkled in... made me more on edge than any color of any skin. Diversity, however, was something I actually enjoyed throughout high school. I liked learning different values, traditions, etc. from my friends. One of my best friends was "black", my high school coach was "black", teammates were "black." OK. Was I okay with it? Yes. Those, along with others I had met, became my friends, and some still are.

I never thought of having an advantage over others because of skin color. Was I blessed with a father who worked at home, who could come to all of my games and cheer and be proud of me? Yes. Was I blessed with a mother who was able to stay home and raise her daughters, pay them attention, and attend many school events with them? Yes. Was I blessed because I wasn't without basic necessities? Absolutely. Was everyone raised that way? No. Did I agree with everyone? No. That's ridiculous. Was I quick to forgive? Not usually. And that's not a good thing. But growth comes with age. :) I never thought it was about privilege. I was taught it was about choices.

People make different choices depending on how they were loved, or how they weren't. 

Maybe that's why in my forties, I am more inclined to "love" on people every chance I get.

Confederacy is a bad word to many... but I don't feel that way. I was taught that many of my relatives fought for the Confederacy, not the Union. Although I didn't think the war entirely was necessary, and death could have been spared, I was glad to have family on the South side. Some may question why I was glad. Well, I don't think of "slaves" or "slavery" as being something that needs to be implemented into society. No one should play puppet master. All men (humans) should have a voice. If I was alive back then, I have no idea how I would have been affected. My great-grandparents had a maid (paid), who was "black." Her name was Alice. I loved Alice. I have great memories with her. She was more part of the family than the help. We were definitely not high-society, or affluent. Just a small, country home, with a tiny kitchen, with wood floors and a claw foot tub. Nothing fancy. But Alice felt like family. I couldn't imagine ever, EVER, treating anyone like a slave. I wasn't raised that way. Now, I do know that many people were taught to hate "black" people, look down on them and disrespect them, strictly based on their skin color. I never really understood this. I would contemplate on why people would act like that. All I could come up with is that they were uneducated on WHO they are... WHERE they came from... and didn't want their lives to "interfere" with their own lives. It would require sacrifice and acceptance. Still, and sadly, people today apparently feel the same way. :(

So, bounce to this day and age... NFL players who are kneeling as a protest. Personally, I applaud you for taking a stand for what you believe in, and making a statement. What I absolutely DISAGREE with is doing it DURING the National Anthem. A plea for unity to address the bigger problem of unequal treatment amongst the black community. What these mega-star athletes aren't getting is that they are not oppressed, therefore they aren't the best candidates to protest silently. They are role models and heroes for many children, and many adults, sadly, when many of them have committed crimes, have driven while drunk, have been convicted of beating their wives, some have even committed murder. Would you want this as a role model for your child? (JJ Watt, I can understand. Deshaun Watson, today, just became many peoples hero. There are plenty of pay-it-forward, humble, and thankful NFL players. Too bad they are never talked about as much, or make the news as much as the controversial). Why not use their position and "power" to make a difference? Instead of fuel fire that seems to keep burning?

Colin Kapernick knelt last year to silently protest stating, "I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color... To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way..."

Fast forward a year... what has that accomplished? Has he reached out and made progress in the community? Volunteered to ride with some police officers? Enlisted in the Armed Forces? What has he done besides influence others to kneel? During the anthem? Think about it. Think about all displays of silent protesting. I would mention what other nationalities can protest, and what they could say. It would hit a nerve with some of you. Some would be passive.

What happened to the cohesiveness, color-blindness, agape love for thy neighbor... ?? We, here in the Houston area, just went through one of the worst, if not, worst water dumping hurricanes and flooding. People were literally risking their lives saving each other... because it was overwhelming to the local first responders. People from all over the US were helping here. Literally.

I am all about standing up for what you believe, but if you are just drawing attention to yourself instead of turning it into action (such as meeting with legislature, state senators, community outreach, etc.), it becomes more about you than what you are protesting. YOU are in the news instead of your cause. Seeing as a large percent of America, loves America, the men and women who have fought and still fight for America, crossing both party lines... maybe by choosing to do this during the anthem while you were working wasn't the smartest choice. For anyone who has served, had family who has served and sacrificed their lives, for our freedom, thank you. But for any of them who watches this, they don't see the reason you are protesting... they see blatant disrespect for the flag of our country. If you hate America that much, you don't have to stay. Go try living in a truly oppressed country, such as Syria, or Somalia, even Iran. It's awful. Be thankful that you live in the USA. You live in a country that pays more to professional athletes than it does their military. (which is a different blog, entirely.) Look at the entire picture. See every detail. Don't be blind to what you do not wish to see.

Although every American has the right to protest peacefully, not every American has to agree with how or why they are doing it, and in turn can choose their own way to protest... It's America. Respect cultivates respect. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Love your neighbor as yourself. And have no expectation except in Christ Jesus. For He is the ONLY one who can deliver you.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Lead by example. Make that difference, even if just to ONE human. Pay it forward. Bring God into your life. Let His light shine through you. Pray.

The LORD performs righteous deeds and judgments for all who are oppressed.

Psalm 103:6

little drops of light everywhere

You never really know the impact of someone on your life, until they are no longer here. 

I learned earlier today that Sean Adams, a college friend and fellow athlete, passed away of an unexpected heart attack this morning. Besides being in utter shock, as everyone else was... my eyes filled with tears. 

From college, over 25 years ago, my thoughts:

Sean was an athlete. 

Football and track at ACU. A long, lanky athlete. Nappy. (lovingly referred to by many of us.) And that smile... It would reach across campus. There is a common core link amongst athletes in addition to just a college buddy, or someone in class... At least it was to many of us at Abilene Christian University. We shared a common love for one another, as we represented our school, went through hardships, and faced our fears on and off the court, field, or track.

Sean was crazy. 

The good kind of crazy. The crazy that made you smile and gut laugh to the point of crying... Everyone loved him. He had this mysterious light that seemed to attract all. His profession after college proved to be very fitting. Whether is was sharing his stories, offering advice, or making you think about things you really wouldn't think about unless you were prompted, he was just a good guy.

Sean was a professional. 

Always had respect. Might not have liked all the outcomes, but never did I see him act disrespectful. He always knew what direction he was headed, and he didn't let anything get in the way. Very positive and realistic, he was a man who had loads of ambition and an undeniable passion for what he believed.

And then today happened. Gone too soon. A wife lost the love of her life. Children lost their dad. Many lost a great friend and confidant. Others lost the reassuring voice they had come to love over the airwaves. A church lost one of their own. And many people whose lives were touched by Sean, no matter the duration or location, be it in person or on-air, will be better for knowing him. 

Very sobering. 

Tell those that you love that you love them!

In college, I didn't really think of someone being a Godly influence on my life. I just knew who had the light, and who let theirs shine a little more. That's who Sean was, and ultimately lived his life leaving little drops of light everywhere he went.

I'll leave you with Sean's thought for the day from 8/28/17 that stayed with me:

"Help who, where and whenever you can.
Humanity relies on those who can. Let that be you."